i think speaking english correctly is like a horseshoe effect with american and australian at opposite ends. like american and australian accents are both correct but the midpoint (br*tish english) is incorrect
can break into any safe by turning into fog or some bullshit
could probably hypnotize security guards as needed
therefore I am in dire need of a heist film where a group of vampires band together to steal back their old stuff from museums
Oceans 1100 AD
Very interested in the hardest part of this beign the vampires trying to trick someone into granting them permission to enter the premises earlier in the day
I feel like this has several simple solutions!
they enter the museum while it’s open to the public (and the Welcome sign is on display). they turn into bats and hide in the rafters until the museum closes. the only hiccup is when the overhead announcement comes on and politely requests all visitors leave for closing. the vampire are forced to flee, but come back the next day with tiny bat-sized earplugs.
downside: this requires going out in daylight, leading most of the team members to show up in long black victorian formalwear, complete with lacy parasols, which they insist on carrying with them throughout the entire heist (much to the frustration of the team leader, who just wore sunscreen and a raincoat).
depending on how invitations work, it is possible any random human can invite them in. one of the vampires gets their Ultimate Frisbee buddy Oakley to tag along and invite them in after closing.
downside: the gang spends the rest of the heist gently mocking the idea of a vampire playing association ultimate frisbee (“so what, you turn into a bat and catch it with your fangs? do they make you crawl up the wall when it gets stuck on a roof? if you turn into a cat to get it down from a tree, do you end up stuck in the tree?”) this ends in a Climactic Twist Ending when Oakley reveals they don’t play ultimate frisbee, just dog park frisbee. In the sense that they met when the vampire transformed into a wolf to gatecrashed a game at the local dog park.
(Bonus points if Oakley is a werewolf. extra bonus points if this is revealed in a post-credits epilogue where, on the next full moon, the entire gang transforms into creatures of the night and joins Oakley at the park for a frisbee game of Bats vs Wolves)
Final option: to gain legitimate entry, an invitation is needed from a museum employee. this presents two possibilities:
the vampires pretend to be incredibly rich eccentric patrons who want a private nighttime tour of the museum. (this is convincing due to the fact they are rich and incredibly eccentric.) the vampires get inside, planning to hypnotize the Curator supervising their tour.
downside: they immediately discover the Curator has been left immune to hypnosis by years of post-grad exposure to droning history lecturers. the vampires leave their least competent member to distract her while they carry out the heist–in the ensuing 90 minutes, the vampire and the curator accidentally Fall In Love after bonding over their shared fury about british archeological theft.
(In the sequel they get married and spend their honeymoon robbing the British Museum in order to return sacred objects to the cultures from which they were stolen. this is made more complicated comical by the fact vampires are unable to interact with holy objects. also, they are lesbians.)
alternatively: the gang simply bribes a security guard into letting them in after closing. the security guard then tags along, offering helpful advice for disabling alarms and transporting antiques. it turns out Security Officer Greer only applied for the job bc they too were planning an Elaborate Acrobatic Burglary, but then their partners quit to join Cirque du Soleil and “I can’t exactly perform a Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special without a partner.”
downside: the gang becomes too attached to ask Greer to leave. They carry out the heist as intended, but this time pretending to be circus performers to explain their vampire powers. Turning into a cloud of smoke to bypass locks? Magicians never explain a trick. Spider walking across ceilings to bypass alarms? Contortionist. When it comes time to fly from roof to roof, they decide turning into bats would give away their secret, so instead they help Greer, in a sparkling moment of triumph, execute the perfect Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special!
Greer and the gang escape (by tightrope walking) into the night with all the plunder they can carry. Tearfully, the gang begins to say goodbye (bc they can’t keep up the pretense of being circus performers forever) when Greer casually asks how a bunch of vampire ended up working in a circus.
(Greer assumed from the beginning they were vampires, because of “how you dress, how you talk, and mostly because none of you showed up on camera back in the CCTV control room. Why did you think it took me so long to let yall in?”)
I cannot for the lives of me decide which synopsis I like best
(all ideas shared on this blog are public domain, feel free to go nuts. you can find more story ideas like this on my ko-fi)
Okay, but picture this… they use all of them.
Because their stuff isn’t all in the same museum.
It’s an entire season of heists. NONE of which go as planned, and they keep making new friends, and getting involved in more heists, and the last museum doesn’t have a SINGLE THING that belongs to them but at this point it’s become a hobby and the Curator said there’s like some really important cultural artifacts in this one and Greer was down for another round and they had a new scheme they wanted to try.
Every heist takes 3-4 episodes and a lot of shenanigans. There are at least two incidents of vampires squabbling over some trinket that they all owned at different times.
jojo siwa is like. her style is not my taste at all but as soon as other people call it annoying im like actually you’re wrong she’s an icon and a legend
she looks like the concentrated essence of a claires store and i do not mean this negatively
it’s the “fuck you” to the current trend of encouraging teenagers to look 24 and embracing girly things that cis men hate
American Kawaii
she looks like someone turned a Skittles commercial into a person and i love it
If you don’t mind me putting my two cents:
I feel like Jojo Siwa’s style is reminiscent of the colorful teen girl fashion of the late 2000s and early 10s. Back then it was considered fashionable to use lots of colors, accessories, etc. Take a look at Jojo Siwa:
Very colorful, generous with sparkles and accessories. It’s meant to be fun!
If you were a kid in 2007-2012 you saw something similar in the clothing the teens in your sitcoms wore, although not as exaggerated. The fashion in Shake It Up(which came out in 2010) is a really good example of this:
(You may laugh, but this was the height of fashion to 13 year old me.)
The point is, Jojo’s aesthetic is similar to being a young pre teen girl walking into Limited Too for the first time.
And the reason cishet men hate it is because they don’t find it attractive. That’s why she’s often made fun of and used as a joke so much. Because that style doesn’t cater to the male gaze. It’s not for them, so it must be bad.
Might also be worth noting that she identifies as pansexual/queer/no-label and her style is very much a conversation between deliberately-not-adult and over-the-top-flamboyantly-queer.
Of course straight men hate it. it’s not about them.
so imagine you’re making ratatouille and you don’t like tomatoes. you don’t like the taste, the texture, the putting them in the water and the peeling them - eugh! so you say to yourself “lookit, this whole dish is nothing but vegetables, so what does it matter if i leave the tomatoes out?” a seemingly innocuous decision on the surface, but 2 hours or whatever later when you’re done cooking, you open the oven to find a complete mess! just a pot full of baked vegetables, none of them congealed or somehow unified. what happened to your beloved ratatouille? so you take to google and find that actually the tomatoes are an essential ingredient of ratatouille, as they form a “sauce” of a certain kind that makes the whole thing work. and so a seemingly innocent decision has destroyed the very foundation of the established order with disturbing ramifications towards the whole. in this essay i will examine how martin luther’s 95 theses lead to protestants being more boring than catholics
this one’s a few days late due to having a lot of doctors appointments sorry it’s just 9 pages, and about some rats… it’s more symbolic than anything really
(it’s completely unrelated to any of my songs that have to do with “puzzleboy”)
I am completely indifferent to Space Jam but the cultural gulf between regular audiences and professionals is funnier to witness every single year. None of these Hollywood producers or New Yorker critics have any idea the nonsensical layers of internet dadaism that make anything popular anymore, the industry just throws stuff at a wall until millenials and zoomers inexplicably like it while people who have been paid for 50 years to analyze the art form are hopelessly, hopelessly lost.
I know I said I was indifferent but I’m skimming through it anyway (for free) and I know I said it was just Hollywood desperately trying to figure out what people want but it’s honestly fascinating for just HOW desperate that is. I mean, it apparently worked, but I feel like future generations will study this movie to understand the moment when powerful media brands really started to eat themselves alive.
If you haven’t heard what kind of movie the second Space Jam is, allow me to make you very tired in just one screenshot:
Thus is the defining characteristic of gay millennials: we straddle the pre-Glee and post-Glee worlds. We went to high school when faggot wasn’t even considered an F-word, when being a lesbian meant boys just didn’t want you, when being nonbinary wasn’t even a remote option. We grew up without queer characters in our cartoons or Nickelodeon or Disney or TGIF sitcoms. We were raised in homophobia, came of age as the world changed around us, and are raising children in an age where it’s never been easier to be same-sex parents. We’re both lucky and jealous. As the state of gay evolved culturally and politically, we were old enough to see it and process it and not take it for granted–old enough to know what the world was like without it. Despite the success of Drag Race, the existence of lesbian Christmas rom-coms, and openly transgender Oscar nominees, we haven’t moved on from the trauma of growing up in a culture that hates us. We don’t move on from trauma, really. We can’t really leave it in the past. It becomes a part of us, and we move forward with it.
For LGBTQ+ milennials, our pride is couched in painful memories of a culture repulsed and frightened by queerness. That makes us skittish. It makes us loud. It makes us fear that all this progress, all this tolerance […] can vanish as quickly as it all appeared.
The 2000s Made Me Gay, Grace Perry
Coming from a reference group where everyone’s first queer movie was either Rocky Horror or Brokeback Mountain, it’s fascinating to talk (in person!) to gay teenagers who grew up with Korra and Stephen Universe and She-Ra.
when i was about sixteen and coming to terms with my own queerness, california democrats lost a major election to republicans, who ran on a platform of explicit homophobia. democrats went and blamed gay people for the loss, saying that the growing push to recognize gay marriage had scared moderates away from voting liberal and was even turning lifelong democrats away from the party.
and i still considered myself to be lucky to be living in such an enlightened and progressive time, because i knew that just about every gay dude a generation older than me was fucking dead.
